5 Tips for How to Handle Those Awkward Conversations with Your Host Family

I recently got an email from a reader that said:

I'm having trouble talking to my host family about the amount of work I'm doing. I'm doing a lot more than I had expected when I signed the contract and it's overwhelming me. I feel burnt out and tired all the time.

My host family also often leaves things to the last minute and doesn't tell me when they want me to do stuff like babysit or take them places at the weekends. I wouldn't usually mind but it's getting super annoying because some of this stuff they've known about for weeks and only tell me on the day. Once, I wasn't supposed to be working and I went out with my friends for dinner and I had to come back mid-dinner because they asked me to babysit last minute saying 'It's such an important evening we can't miss it' and making me feel bad.

Could you help me figure out how to talk to them? I hate confrontation!

First of all, I want to address the part where they made you come home from dinner. That is completely out of order and no host family should force you to do that! However, it seems like there could be a lack of communication between you. Firstly, they might assume that you're available if you don't tell them that you have plans.

Secondly, you're not alone! Navigating awkward conversations can be challenging for anyone, but it's an inevitable part of living and working in the same environment. Statistically speaking, over 65% of au pairs change families because they feel like they don't get on with and cannot talk to their host family about issues.

To help you craft what you're going to say and when, keep reading for my tips on how to deal with awkward conversations with your host family.

I want to quickly add that if you feel unsafe before, during, or after this conversation, you have every right to leave. Do not stay in a situation where your safety isn't guaranteed. This includes if your host parent shouts at you or disrespects you. Put yourself first.

Tip 1: Choose the Right Time and Place

Timing is crucial when it comes to having difficult conversations. Avoid bringing up sensitive topics during meal times or when everyone is busy or stressed (I don't think I need to explain why). Instead, choose a quiet and private moment at home when both you and your family are calm and relaxed, and not when the kids are around/awake.

You and your host parents are supposed to be a united team above all else and should always show positivity to each other in front of the kids to foster a healthy environment and teach respect. (If your host parents don't do this, it might be time to think about moving elsewhere. See my post "How to Know When Enough is Enough" for more on this.) An awkward conversation might get heated and you don't want the kids to witness that. Not to mention if you're talking about the workload with the kids they might overhear and take it the wrong way.

If you feel like you can't go straight into a conversation or your host parents are always busy, you could send a text to signal that you have some things you want to talk about. e.g. Hi! I hope your day is going well. I just wanted to see if we could have a chat in the next few days about how things are going as I have some concerns and want to get your opinion! Thank you!

They might already expect you to send this message. Don't worry or overthink this, if they do! Just gather everything you want to say, practice saying it, and wait for the conversation.

Tip 2: Be Honest and Respectful

Approach the conversation with honesty and respect, acknowledging the importance of the topic at hand while remaining considerate of your host family's feelings and perspectives.

Be prepared to actively listen to their concerns and feedback, if they have some. Even if you don't believe what they say or think they are making something up to deflect what you're saying, make sure to respond thoughtfully without becoming defensive or confrontational as you would expect them to do the same. The classic saying of treat people how you want to be treated applies here.

Plus, if you kill them with kindness and respect whilst they get argumentative, it only makes you look better!

Tip 3: Use "I" Statements

This is a classic conflict resolution tip that I am sure you have heard before. Here is my advice on how to effectively use "I" statements without feeling confrontational (because "I feel like you..." isn't one).

Describe the situation or behaviours from your perspective. Tell them what you are doing, not what they are doing to you:

• "I have noticed that I am doing a lot of things that weren't outlined in my contract" is far better than "I feel like you're making me do more things than I thought I'd be doing".

• "I've noticed that I'm struggling to balance my responsibilities" is a better way of saying "You're giving me too much work to do".

• "I've noticed that I am often being asked to do things without notice" is a kinder way of saying "You never tell me in advance when I need to do stuff and it's getting annoying".

Then, express how it's making you feel:

• "I feel overwhelmed with the amount of work I am doing and it's making me tired".

• "I feel frustrated when things are left to the last minute as I cannot plan properly".

Tip 4: Seek Understanding and Compromise

For conversations like this, it's not a good idea to go to someone with problems and no solutions. By proposing a solution to these issues that benefits you both, you can show that you've thought about the situation thoroughly, understood their perspective, and want to continue to work with them. Make sure to propose a solution that benefits you both in some way, otherwise, they might think that you're just looking out for yourself and not wanting to compromise.

Here are some ways you can do this:

• "I would like to discuss how we can work together to improve our communication."

• "I understand that you have busy schedules, and I want to find a solution that works for both of us."

• "Perhaps we could sit together and discuss the contract so I am not misunderstanding my responsibilities."

• "Could we create a Google calendar that gives each other access to our schedule so we can plan babysitting in advance?"

Tip 5: Bring Evidence

Some people are so ignorant that they don't see the problem with their behaviour until it is laid out in front of them. So, on the off chance, that things turn sour and they aren't listening or don't see your perspective, having evidence to back up your claims is always beneficial. This evidence could be in your contract, in the texts shared between you and your host parents, or by noting down your hours/responsibilities.

If you haven't got any, I would wait to have the awkward conversation until you do. At the end of each day, take note of your hours and responsibilities during that day, take screenshots every time your host parents ask you to do something last minute, take pictures of how many times you're left to do the ironing or cleaning, or whatever else it is that you're telling them. The more evidence, the better.

I will say that anyone who is presented with things that make them look bad may become argumentative and defensive, so please be aware of this and preface showing evidence with a small "I" statement.

• "I've started to note down my hours and it's more than I initially expected."

• "I've made a note of my weekly responsibilities to gauge what I've been doing and there are some things I am unsure of."

• "Last week, I was asked to babysit last minute. Whilst I am happy to help out outside of my contract, I would appreciate more notice because it caused me to miss out on plans I had made."

The contract and your conversations before you sign a contract are your best friends! You signed the contract under the assumption that those things would be in place and it would be wrong of them (and you) to go back on those. This is why it's important to get all of your expectations in writing before the contract is finalised. See my post "5 Rules for Host Family Hunting" for more details.

Bonus Tip 1

After the conversation, write down everything you both said and send a follow-up text to your host family to confirm what was said. Do this even if things turn sour. That way you have what they said in writing. e.g. Hi! Just wanted to follow up on our conversation and I want to confirm that (this is what was agreed upon/this is what was said)...

It's important to note down all new changes (if any) so they're not disregarded later. If they don't agree with this message, then they will reply and tell you their perspective, and that way, you have it in writing. Always get everything in writing and agreed upon.

Bonus Tip 2

If in doubt, relate it to the kids. If the parent's behaviour is the issue, gently nudge at how it will affect the kids. This approach can help to foster understanding and empathy, making it easier to address sensitive issues and find solutions that benefit everyone involved. Parents want the best for their children and if you tell them that these issues will affect their kids' needs, they are more likely to listen.

• "I'm worried that my relationship with the kids will be affected if I am tired all the time. I want to make sure that I can give them my full energy, but lately, I've been feeling overwhelmed with my workload. I think if we can find a better balance, it will benefit both me and the children."

• "I'm worried that the kids will be affected if our communication doesn't improve. I've noticed that there have been some misunderstandings lately about my starting time and duties, and I want to make sure that we are all on the same page when it comes to caring for the children."

• "I'm worried that the kids will be affected if we don't address the issue of consistency in discipline. I've noticed that there are different expectations and approaches to discipline between us, and I think it's important for the children to have consistency and stability. If we can work together to establish clear guidelines and boundaries, it will help the children feel more secure and supported."

Hopefully, those tips can help you to navigate your upcoming conversation or future one! If you need any advice or support, please contact your agency (if you have one), or feel free to message me and I can try to answer your questions or give you the numbers for more support.

Remember that if something feels unsafe, you don't have to stay.

-- Abby xx