5 Rules for Host Family Hunting

Yesterday, I wrote a post detailing all of the great reasons why you should become an au pair and hopefully it convinced you to take the plunge! Now, I want to stress the importance of choosing the right host family that will make (or break) your experience.

It can be difficult to choose who you are going to live with for the year. Sometimes people leech onto the first family they find out of excitement or fear they won't find anyone else. This kind of attitude can be beneficial in some cases (i.e. it's good to be excited) but it can also be a hindrance. You need to put aside the initial thoughts of 'I'm going to be living in another country for free!' and start thinking about 'Is this good enough for me to have a positive experience?'.

If you're going to take away anything from this post it should be that you will be spending more time working with the family than anything else. You need to choose one that puts your interests on the same level as theirs. Not below.

This is going to be a long, and brutally honest, post so strap in for...

Abby's Awesome Rules for Au Pair Host Family Hunting

Rule 1: Start and End with Honesty and Communication

Being open and honest about your expectations and expecting the same from your potential host family is key. You both need to be aware of what you and the other party are hoping to benefit from this arrangement.

What do you want to gain out of this year? I wanted a break to experience something new, so it was important to find a family that would let me have one weekend a month to myself. This is something that a lot of families were willing to compromise with and some that weren't. Those families that weren't were scrubbed off my list, no matter how good their lifestyle looked. The only way I found this out was by being honest.

The main question for your host family should be why do they want an au pair over an after-school nanny or a daycare?

A lot of families that I spoke to over the phone weren’t exactly reeling with answers as to why they want an au pair apart from ‘convenience’ (which is a polite way of saying ‘cheap labour’). A majority of the time, it is incredibly convenient (and cheap) to have easy and reliable childcare in your own home but if they are only thinking about their benefits and not about what they can give you to help your experience then they should be avoided. You can usually tell this if the family brings up the word 'flexibility'. This word is an immediate red flag for a lot of experienced au pairs as the family generally means 'we want you to work every hour under the sun'. If they bring up this word, clarify what they mean by that and get it in writing so you aren't blindsighted working 40-hour weeks later. If they are insisting that you're flexible every single day with nothing in return, then I would look elsewhere.

A 'good' answer to the above question would be something like we want to give someone the opportunity to experience a new culture, or I had an au pair when I was younger and wanted to give my child the same fun experience. You want the family to answer this question in a way that proves they care about your interests and want to make the time enjoyable for you. If their main or only answer is that you're convenient for them, there's a high chance they don't care about your needs.

Rule 2: Location, Location, Location

When you move abroad, you are committing to a new lifestyle. Choose somewhere you can see yourself living permanently.

If you’re more of an inner-city slicker, then it’s probably not the best idea to go somewhere with 4 shops, a run-down cinema, and a train ticket to the nearest city that costs more than your au pair stipend all because 'it looks pretty'. Likewise, if you prefer the countryside, don't choose a city because you think it provides the best opportunities. Some amazing families in the countryside can give you just as much, if not more, than the city families.

Rule 3: The Pocket Money Predicament

If you are like me and have worked a job for your entire teenage life, raking in and enjoying the cash, then you might get a shock at how much you get paid.

Yes, you are living with the family and not running your own household, but 90 euros a week in Paris isn’t a lot. You have to think about the price of coffee, the price of breakfast, the price of snacks, the price of drinks, and how much toiletries cost as your host family might not provide those. It can be very easy for those 90 euros to slowly go down until you’re left with nothing and are wondering where it went. So be aware and look up the average cost of living in your potential area.

Whilst you may be wondering how on earth people live on 12 euros a day, it is possible because of the benefits. For example, are your host family going to pay for your transport? Will they give you a monthly clothing budget? Will they help you fly back home every so often? Do they provide you with a car? These are the sorts of benefits you might get from a host family so definitely ask about what they can give you.

This is why you need to take a look at the proposed wages and benefits and figure out if it's worth it. Take a look at how much your pocket money is compared to the amount of work you’re doing. For example, my current family pays me the same to take care of one 7-year-old girl as my first did to take care of 3 under 5. Hopefully, that can help put things into perspective at the amount you'll be paid compared to the work you'll be doing. One 7-year-old is a lot less than 3 under 5. In all honesty, the fewer children the more your pocket money is worth.

After all, a girl's gotta eat (and occasionally splurge on a fancy coffee or two). So, before you commit to anything, crunch the numbers and make sure your pocket money can give you a good enough lifestyle in your area (and is worth the work you'll be doing).

Rule 4: LOOK at their schedule and lifestyle

You've found the perfect family - they're warm and welcoming and have a golden retriever named Brian. You go to sign the contract but take a closer look at their schedule and see that you'll be chained to their hips every weekend in the countryside. For some of you, this might sound like fun but for others, spending every weekend with the family might leave you little time to yourself. Sounds bad, right?

To avoid that, here are a chunk of questions to consider when looking at (and asking about) your potential host family's schedule and lifestyle:

What are your working hours? When will your full day off be? If they do ask you to come with them to the countryside, will it be easy for you to leave on said day off? How much will that cost? How are they handling school holidays? Will they be expecting you to work full-time? How much free time will you have without the family around? How long are you going to be alone with the children? When do the parents get off work? Do the parents work weekends? Are you expected to stay with/care for the kids when the parents are in the house? What do the parents consider as 'working time'?

The last two are particularly important to nail down as legally 'working time' is classified as:

• Up to a maximum of 30 hours a week including childcare and babysitting in the evenings. Note: By definition, babysitting is an evening activity.

• If an au pair has no option in undertaking a task then that activity must be considered mandatory, ie not a voluntary action undertaken by the au pair.

• When host parents leave an au pair unsupervised (and the au pair is expected to care for the children), the au pair is officially on duty, and this time should be included as part of the 30 hours/week maximum.

(Source: The European Committee for Au Pair Standards)

If you would like to see a blog post on the breakdown of what 'working time' means click here!

A few other things that most people don't generally think about are curfew and having friends or family come to visit. Luckily, I live in my own place (which is possible so go for that if you can) and don't have to worry about these things. But, if you live with your family, you need to ask them about curfew and people coming to stay. Most families are usually okay with this but I have met a couple who offered me great benefits and a salary of more than 400 per month but with an 11 pm curfew and told me that I couldn't have any friends over. This is fair enough for safety reasons however I wanted to have friends visit me and I didn't want to be confined to a terrible curfew. So, they were written off.

Also, if they are health nuts, do you want to be spending your time longing for a dairy milk or some crisps in their pantry but stuck with carrot sticks and grapes? No? Don't go for them, unless they offer to bring some extra snacks in for you. Speaking of food, what time do they eat dinner? What do they eat for dinner? Do they want you to cook a couple of nights a week?

Some lifestyle choices can be compromised on (like snacks) but things that are just going to ruin your experience (like not being able to go out or eating dinner at 9 pm every night) aren't worth it. Honestly, I hated eating dinner so late with no option to cook earlier unless I bought my own dinner.

Rule 5: Ask the Awkward Questions

I understand some people struggle with talking about money/the pay or other benefits and you don't want to sound ungrateful or pushy blah blah blah. However, transport, language classes, time off, overtime, etc. are things that you NEED to ask about. Most families don’t have these things in their profile and they are things you need to know before you consider signing a contract with them.

You need to be upfront about your ‘demands’ to have a beneficial arrangement for you both. Ask about when you'll have time off, ask about when your curfew is, and ask about overtime. If you know what you’re expecting going into the arrangement then you will be far happier in the future than someone who was told a month into her au pair journey that she’d be regularly working for 1.98 euros per hour. This is why Rule 1 is absolutely key.

Also, if your HF tries to tell you ‘But we pay for all these things for you’ then end the conversation. Those ‘things’ like rent, food, health insurance, pocket money, and general living costs are compulsory. Not optional. They are the mandatory things required for a HF to pay to have an au pair. If they can’t afford those things then they should not be employing an au pair, full stop. If they try to use those ‘things’ as an excuse to not help you out further with transport (especially when you know they can with the amount they spend on Gucci bags per month) then you’ve got yourself a bad family. They’re essentially bringing you over for cheap, in-house labour. Granted, some people can’t afford to pay for transport but, then again, neither can you. You have to put yourself first and be a little stubborn with these things and you definitely won’t be ungrateful if you do.

It's much better to rip off the band-aid now than to suffer in silence later. Don't be afraid to advocate for yourself.

Bonus Advice: Beware of Full-Time Care Expectations.

Families accustomed to full-time care may have unrealistic expectations of your availability and workload. Clarify your contractual hours and boundaries to avoid being overburdened with responsibility.

And above all else, trust your gut! If something doesn't feel right then it isn't. Don't compromise on something that you're not 100% okay with. There are no wrong answers for declining an offer from a host family.

Remember, this journey will have its ups and downs, but with honesty and a healthy dose of common sense, you'll be well-equipped to choose your family. Safe travels, my friends, and may the host family odds be ever in your favor!

-- Abby xx